I wrote this blog over two years ago and posted it to my journal at THAT naughty site. Then yesterday, something happened to my older daughter. Something that cut her to the core. And I was reminded of this and the truths in it…
“Sometimes Sorry Isn’t Enough.”
That is a line from one of those cheesy commercials for an injury lawyer (solicitor to the Brits). But this is not about those who have wronged us. It about those times that we have wronged others. Hard truth here…we are all human and that means we are going to screw up sometimes. And most of the time, recognizing that and apologizing is enough. We get up, dust ourselves off and carry on down this bumpy road we call life. But sometimes we fuck up and I do mean FUCK UP.
I did that this week. For someone that values honesty, loyalty and integrity, I screwed up about as bad as it comes. I betrayed myself and the goddess whom I serve. I disappointed my mentor and friends. And I disrespected two people I care about. I am doing all I can to make it right and learning some really hard lessons along the way, but sometimes I’m sorry really is not enough.
So if I fucked up so badly, why the hell would I write about it and post it for everyone to see? For the same reason I write at all: we all share the same sickness called humanity. And if telling others about my failures can help them avoid making similar ones, correct ones they have made or heal from past hurts, then my brief time upon this planet meant something. That is why I am baring my scarred soul to my friends and potentially strangers.
What am I doing when sorry is not enough? First of all, as inadequate as sorry is, that is all we really have. Even in these situations, confessing our mistakes and asking forgiveness is the first step. Sounds simple, right? Trust me it is not. It hurts to hurt people (well it does if you are a decent human being), especially those you care about. Humbling yourself and asking for forgiveness is not easy or simple. For you or for them. But it is where you begin.
But saying you are sorry is just the first step. Then you have to begin to unravel that ‘tangled web’ that you created of your life. You have to look into the mirror of your soul…in my case the goddess within me whom I worship. You have to face the nastiness then stitch by stitch you have to rip it apart (trust me as a seamstress there is nothing I hate more than doing that). You have to craft a battle plan…what am I going to do to make this whole mess as right as I possibly can. If you need to write that battle plan down, send it to a friend…or two…or three, I have. Hold yourself to it and have them hold you accountable to. This one may take some time…I know it is going to for me. Days or weeks maybe. For some people it can be months or years…even a lifetime.
You need to learn your lesson too, because if you don’t then you are doomed to repeat this same mistake over and over again until you do. I like to think I am smart like that, I rarely make the same mistake twice. And trust me…with one this fucking painful I won’t be making it again. But don’t get arrogant, cause there are millions of other mistakes out there for you to make…so move on to the next one.
But even if you know you won’t make this mistake again it can still be hard to get it right with yourself. Or in my case the goddess whom I serve. Because the truth is that often as much as we hurt other people, our mistakes hurt us even worse. Of course, the path we take to do this one depends upon our beliefs. For some of us it is a confessional and penance. For others it is a couch and therapist. For me, it shall be my sister and the water from which my soul is born. I shall pour it out upon paper to the goddess, then seal it inside a bottle and together with my magical air and solid rock we shall cast this burden upon the water and watch it drift away safely to the mother/goddess who created and loves us all.
For me this one is hardest perhaps…you must give yourself a break. Funny thing is that my son always accuses me for making excuses for everyone else’s bad behavior. He is right too. If my children do something wrong or have a tantrum, before I punish I go through a list…oh she’s tired, she didn’t mean it, that rule is not that important. I do the same with my friends. Basically, I choose to always see the absolute best in everyone…except me.
And listening to the people I have hurt and disappointed tell me that it really was not that bad, I had not meant to hurt anyone, that I was being too hard on myself has been as uncomfortable as it comes. I want someone to scream at me, to call me a bitch, to hate me…half as much as I am hating myself. And honestly, I need to be punished…but each time I place the proverbial paddle in one of their hands all I get is forgiveness that I feel I do not deserve. So I have been stuck in a cycle of self-punishment.
Until one of my beautiful sisters brought her own burdens to me today. I had not shared with her what had happened because I am more protective of certain of my friends/sisters and shield them from my own struggles. But when she berated herself for being flawed, the goddess spoke through me to her. In our human frailty we are like those clay pots, lop-sided cupcakes and drawings that our children bring us. Yes, we have cracks. Yes, we are lop-sided and our icing is not smeared evenly. Yes, we have colored outside the lines. But just as a parent smiles and takes those offerings with genuine love and joy so too are we…PERFECT in our imperfections.
And sometimes the goddess uses the words that we say to others to force us to look into the mirror of our own souls and see the beauty through the bruises…because after all this is about kink…and we all know how wonderful those bruises can feel…because they remind us of life and that our Top/Dom/Master cares enough to leave his mark.
Of course, the thing too is that there are always going to be consequences for our actions. Sitting down is going to hurt for a few days. And with bruises on our souls days can be weeks or months or years or goddess forbid for some fuck ups we will live with those consequences for the rest of our lives. But that is this journey called life too. And living with those consequences while still forgiving yourself and seeing the beauty within is a hard thing to balance. But balance we must…and move on as best we can as human beings knowing that we will make another mistake another day and need to repeat the whole process again.
(Oh and it must work because one of those two people I hurt so badly was Captain America. While our path has like hiking the Appalachian trail, it has been a breathtaking journey that made us stronger.)