Last night, my guys and I did a conference call with a young couple I care about. We were trying to help them with some issues around D/s, but it quickly degenerated into semantics. In particular, the definition of what a Dom is. I was reminded of U S Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s statement about pornography, ‘I know it when I see it.’ But it got me thinking about the confusion around such things. So today is a very basic BDSM definition day.
Top – someone who may assume a dominant role for a short period of time, usually for a particular scene. But accepts no long term responsibility for meeting the needs of a submissive.
Sadist – someone who actually enjoys inflicting pain upon another.
Dominant – someone who assumes the role of responsibility, protector and control in a relationship.
Master – a Dominant that accepts an even higher level of responsibility for the well-being of a submissive.
Clear as mud? Well, that is because terminology really is the only time in BDSM that the words ‘shades of grey’ applies. No one f’ing agrees on them.
So what is the point of this blog then? Only TWO people need to understand and accept a definition of Dominant. The people (ok…caught myself there…OR MORE as in our case) in that relationship.
It is absolutely vital in any relationship that roles and expectations be understood. That is one of the problems with vanilla dating, for me at least and why I have not done it since my separation from PanKwake’s dad. It is unstructured and about being on your best behavior, i.e. pretending to be who and what you are not…for as long as you can until you have this person interested and then ‘showing your true colors.’
Dom/sub in the IDEAL world is about negotiating and clearly defining those roles, rules and responsibilities. Problem always is that we do not live in an ideal world. People change, they evolve, they learn about needs and expectations they never knew they had. And the hardest thing of all is sharing those innermost needs and thoughts with someone…even the one you trust most. But that is completely crucial to a D/s dynamic.
Captain America and I discovered this very early in my visit back home. He took me LARPing (Live Action Role Play). It was my first time and completely overwhelmed me. In addition, I was dealing with some REAL life crap that had me stressed already. At the same time, this is His stress relief…a once a month chance to shine (and does He!)
He got so busy with His friends and the game that I got lost in the shuffle. I ended up back at the cabin alone and crying. There came a point when He noticed I was upset. He asked what I was wrong and I gave the typical woman answer, ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
The thing was…I knew that I MUST. As a sub, I had the RESPONSIBILITY to communicate my needs to my Dom. So I explained and boy, did He make things right. It was a turning point for us actually and we are stronger for it. He proved He deserves the title Dominant…my Dom.
Bottom line…the old saying…a rose by another name would smell as sweet is true. No, you are NOT a Dom, just because you call yourself one. You truly become a Dom when through negotiation with your sub, s/he calls you one. That, folks, takes communication and hard f’ing work by both people.
Until then it is all just role play….and nothing wrong with that…if that is what you BOTH want. But role play…in the bedroom…scenes…and even sub/slave/bottom…those are other blogs to be written. I feel another series coming on. LOL!