My Present to Me…

So counting down now to the Big Five-0…three more days (four until the party). I bought and spiced the meat for the BBQ today and spoke with a couple of people about coming (not the good kind…you are more perv than me). And my present to me arrived today….

Why, oh, why?
Why, oh, why?

Without giving away too much of a spoiler on Chapter 8 of Ægir’s Bride, I was looking at plugs online…and these were on sale…really cheap. So my thought process went something like this: You used to really love your plug. These are cheap. It is your birthday. You never buy anything for yourself. You should totally buy them…for your birthday. And before logic could kick in I had hit the Buy Now button.

Here is the thing…pain or even that kind of mind fuck/pleasure does not mean a damned thing to me without submission. You know why they will still be unopened next birthday? Because without someone I care about ordering/commanding me to put them in, they will stay in the wrapping. My toy box runneth over as it is. And with the exception of a couple of ‘well-loved’ sex toys it just sits there collecting dust.

Don’t get me wrong…it is a choice. While I was doing the shopping, I ran into an old lover. Someone that had been casual right after I separated…so four years. He said hi…we run into one another like this once or twice a year because we live near one another and have little girls around the same age. And I always say hi back. Mind you…while I clean up real pretty (a friend is taking erotic (not porn…erotic) photos for my birthday so I will show you soon), I did not have a lick of make-up on, my hair was up in a clip and I was wearing one of my huge shapeless men’s shirts that I love so damned much. But when he discovered that I was having a birthday party…he invited himself. Four years and the man is still trying to get back in my panties (knickers).

While I may still be young at heart…and not look my fucking age…I have grown up enough to know one thing…I suck at casual. Sex like this guy is bad enough. But casual play? There is nothing casual about my submission. I cannot just turn it on and off like a spigot. I have a very bad leak…if you will follow the analogy.

So I am in a catch-22…I cannot play because submission is too intense an experience for me, I give too much of myself. But I will not use the plugs without being told to. Oh, whatever was I thinking!?!

And it gets worse…tomorrow I will show you what I asked for from my eldest son and future daughter-in-law.

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