As with Kirsty, I came to this lifestyle through books that I read. The Rescue Me series by Kallypso Masters. One thing that struck me was...collars are sacred. Sacred symbols of submission freely given and equally RESPONSIBILITY freely accepted. A collar became my ‘goal’ if you will. I said back then…I have worn two wedding bands, but I shall only wear one collar.
Unfortunately, like so many of my idealistic dreams, that one too was tarnished. My first ‘relationship’ in this lifestyle. In the middle of play, without discussing terms or what it meant, he locked a huge Medieval iron one around my neck and whispered my favorite word as he kissed me. It was the beginning of the end for us…because something that is sacred to me…was role play to him. But I survived.
Then a year and a half ago, I met the man, whom I thought was ‘the one.’ We spent a couple of months as friends before moving into a relationship. I thought I knew him…actually I did. The very issues that plagued our friendship destroyed our relationship. But that is another blog. The important thing is that he gave me my ‘first’ collar. We talked about what it meant and I honestly thought that it was forever. (Most of us have been there?) I used to say…they would pry that collar from my cold, dead hands.
Then I discovered that collar was a symbol of my submission…but he did not truly accept that responsibility, which went with it. I was HIS…but he had never been mine. I asked to be released and he agreed. Still my respect for the sacred value of the collar prevented me from removing it myself…that is simply not right for a sub to do. He agreed that a mutual Dom friend could do so. In the end, it was my adult daughter, who called ‘bull shit’ on me and yanked the damn thing off.
While I had been doing fine, great even with the break up, suddenly my neck felt empty…I was lost. I realized something then…how truly deeply submissive I am. I will always need something/someone to submit to. One of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous is a ‘higher power.’ But as they have moved forward and dealt with atheists and agnostics, they expanded their definition of ‘higher power,’ I have heard that they advocate…a log of wood, a lump of coal, a rock if nothing else as your ‘higher power.’
And so I decided to buy my own collar…a symbol of my submissive nature. Something that proclaims who and what I am even if I never knelt or submitted to another man. Because as I keep saying…for women like me, Kirsty and Rachel (note I said Rachel and NOT Petrine)…submissive is what we are…who we are…we cannot change that.
Not like the color of our hair, the size of our jeans, the color of our eyes even with contacts these days. Not even with damaging and painful cosmetic procedures that some people go through to lighten their skin color…but that is the closest to what it feels like for someone like us to try and shut down our submissive natures.
But how then do you survive without a Dom? Doesn’t that make you weak? For me…and Petrine…you create your own. Like AA’s lump of coal ‘higher power,’ you become the strength, the Dom, you seek. And like AA…most of the time, it works.
So now I wear my second collar (third if you count play acting without consent). I think the photo is pretty clear, but just in case. One says…’To thine own self be true.’ Pretty damned strong words for a sub? Not really…any man/woman, Dom/sub that needs to ‘change’ you…is not the one. Being with someone is about bringing out the best in one another and giving the other person what they need to make them better and grow…and it needs to be a two way street regardless of title.
The other is the title of my favorite song, Whitney Houston’s Greatest Love of All. Which also does not sound very submissive in parts.
Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me
That songs ends with what I hope and pray to my goddess is not my destiny…
And if, by chance, that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love.
But the truth…the harsh reality is…It is all just make believe. An act. But a necessary one for someone like me and Petrine. It is hard…it comes at a high price in terms of stress and pain. And at moments, that mask, that veneer cracks…and our pain spills through in torrents that we cannot control. In those moments…I am lucky for a couple of dear D-type friends, who will take control for me. Get me through the worst of it. I appreciate them dearly…and never abuse that privilege.
Do I still believe? That the collar is a sacred symbol? More than I ever have! If anything my standards are higher than ever before. Because you see…if the goddess ever blesses me with my ‘one,’ collars will be an exchange every bit as much as wedding bands are. Not only will he give me whatever symbol he wishes me to carry of my submission freely given to him, but he will accept and wear this one as a reminder of the RESPONSIBILITY he is also freely accepting that goes beyond mere safe/sane/consensual…but that is another blog…maybe a couple…
And yes, Rachel has a very special collar…and she never took it off…even when it ceased to truly be what it was meant to be. Maybe one day you will see it… And maybe one day Kirsty will have her own…but they ain’t there yet, folks. But I have faith they will get there…even if the road is rocky. I may never be able to write my own ‘happily ever after’ but maybe that is why I write so many others….