Big News….

So yesterday I announced in the comments on Chapter 14 of Ægir’s Captive that it will be the final chapter. But it is not the end of the story…not really. You see this time…I am allowing my books to mirror life. I am a huge country music fan and the words of a Tim McGraw song springs to mind “The end of an era and the turning of a page…” Most of us have probably even heard our lives compared to chapters in a book. But some changes are so monumental that it is not merely a new chapter…we are beginning a new book.

You may hear me say from time to time…in a former life…I am not talking reincarnation, well, other than that I believe we all hold the power to do just that…re-invent ourselves into new and better people any damned time we want. We are sometimes like caterpillars, who wrap themselves in cocoons. Only to emerge a beautiful butterfly. I did that recently. I have done that many times in my life…the stripper (not paint, folks, clothes…exotic dancer, burlesque, you choose), the preacher’s wife, the corporate type, the chef, the writer…and others.

Of course, even in life-altering changes we take pieces of ourselves, our experiences into the new. And so too will Kirsty. You will not need to learn new characters…

Kirsty is still an intensely lonely little girl inside. It is just that now she is seeking approval, love and acceptance from different people…Bjorn, Sven, Mikael and probably especially the mother that she has wanted for a life time, Petrine. To what lengths will she go to find that love? How can one woman be so many things to different people?

Sven is still determined to save their way of life…and pass it on to his son. He still forgets that he does not have to do all of that alone…that he has two brothers and now a wife, who want to help. Will he learn to bend just a bit? To accept the help that has been there all along?

Bjorn is still that ‘baby’ brother…the one who has spent a lifetime hiding the darkness inside of him from even those closest to him. Now that he finally has what he wants…can he find a way to keep it? Or will the darkness inside of him consume the one thing he wants most…her?

As for Mikael? He is still trying to break away, be his own man, step out of big brother’s shadows. And that just got a lot harder considering this time, he is actually sharing his wife with his brothers. And if he never found a way to make Greta love him for who he is…when he had monogamy and a ‘real’ marriage on his side, how the hell is he going to compete not just with big brother but with pretty boy little one too? Hell, he can’t even get his own child to love him. Is it any wonder he is a bit angry?

But now these people are not stuck on a boat in the middle of the rough seas of the English Channel or the Baltic. They are home. Well, the place where they were raised. Where their ancestors once ruled as Jarls and Kings. But they do not always fit there either. It is not always easy to make your own rules in this world. Except on the Holding…and that is what they are all trying to do…hold onto what matters the most to them.

Throw in a non-verbal, autistic five year old…a weathered fisherman, who like his son spent too many years in the shadows of his brothers…and a forward thinking and fiercely protective mother, who gets caught too often in the glistening webs of the past and forgets that the present and that future can be a pretty damn good place too…

Well, I hope that I can live up to all that…and that Kirsty gets a lot more sizzling HOT sex and soul-satisfying submission than I have been getting lately…

Oh wait, I forget…we all have the power to change things… It is one of the most important lessons of life and a central theme of my writing. I hope it is something you will remember too the next time you think…I hate my life. Then change it. Kirsty has made some tough choices and taken some huge risks to do it…and so have I. Including starting a whole new book called…Ægir’s Bride in BDSM category at Literotica.

Mother-in-laws…

What do you think of when you hear those words? Do you think of Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law? Or perhaps Barbara Streisand in Meet the Fockers? Well, Petrine is not that far off from Rozalin Focker…and neither am I. Maybe you cringe at the idea. We all remember the scene where Rozalin pulls out Gaylord’s foreskin at the dinner table, right?  But the truth of being that kind of parent and in-law is that if you discuss the absolute most intimate things with them, they can feel confident bringing you all the mundane ones too.

Yesterday, I was ‘disturbed’ twice while I wrote. Both times it was two of my four sons. One just called to say hello and the other needed career/life advice. They called from America and China…half way round the world cause they wanted Mommy’s advice. Not because they ‘need’ me, but because they value me. And so too is it with Petrine’s ‘boys.’ Of course the fun part comes when they bring home girl friends, fiancees and wives.

My son that teaches in China now, lived at home for nine months between finishing university and getting his first job there. He must have brought home half a dozen girls in that time. Imagine you and your lover being woken by your Mom in the morning…with breakfast in bed. Now imagine her smiling sweetly at your naked or near naked date as the poor girl fumbles to pull the duvet up to her ears. Your Mom then hands her the tray as she says…”This is the least I can do for putting up with my son.” Oh, yes, I did. Every single time.

My older daughter refuses to allow me to meet anyone she dates. By the way, she was twenty-two before she lost her virginity. Do you know what she told me? “It’s all your fault, Mom. You took all the mystery and excitement out of it.” She is probably right too.

You see I hold a B.S. In Health with a specialty in sexual health, HIV/AIDS. I can remember sitting around the kitchen table with their friends when they were in high school. I had baked fresh homemade chocolate chip cookies. And I had a banana and a large packet of condoms (12 at least…sometimes the 30s). No one left that table until they could put one on properly (think maybe Kirsty should have joined us?). And my number one rule was simple…if you ain’t old enough to talk about it openly and honestly, then you ain’t old enough to be doing it.

Of course, my greatest joy is in my future daughter-in-law. She is from another country…a very traditional society. My oldest son, her fiancee, lives in America now and she lives over here in London. So when he was over this summer to visit, I was completely fine with her staying over (more breakfasts…lol). But her mother told her…the old why buy the cow if you can get the milk free thing…their equivalent of it anyway. It was really hard too because I saw those big tears that last night when she wanted to stay just one night with him.

BreakfastNow…just so you know I am not heartless, I never want to make her uncomfortable…but I am sure I have a few times. I honestly was on my best behavior…for me…the first few times we met, even though my son had warned her what I was like. But I knew that we had corrupted her when she sent me this photo in a text message.

So if you read Petrine telling Kirsty that she needs lessons in how to control her sons…and think that is pure fiction, no mother acts like that…visit my crazy family sometime. Oh, and my son who called to chat this morning, when he found out I was going to visit my friend the sea captain that inspired Ægir’s Captive, his final words as we hung up the phone were…Enjoy your se(a)men, Mom. That is my crazy family…and I would not have it any other way…and neither would Petrine.

Meet the In-Laws…

True beauty is ageless...
True beauty is ageless…

Petrine (Rachel), the rock, is a child of the sixties. Her earliest memories are of the hippie commune in Northern California where her parents raised her. So free love with four hot fisherman was not as much as problem for her morals as the idea of permanence…staying in one place. But then again the guys always had plenty of rope lying around. Her sage wisdom comes from a life time of experience, love, and the juxtaposition of her parent’s hippie lifestyle and summers spent with her maternal grandparents and their Pentecostal church. The only thing that she is certain of is…true love will find a way. So she holds tight to her memories of the men, who she loved deeply and loved her in return…and the one she still has. She wants nothing less than that for her boys. Oh, there are a few surprises about this remarkable woman that I am not going to reveal…just yet…

Olaf shares more in common with his son Mikael than either wants to admit. He too was stuck in the middle, second mate to big brother Stig. For decades, he just sorOlaft of got lost among the rest with his brothers sometimes stronger personality. Stig’s rules, Andres’ humor, and Lars’ intelligence. He was simply the steady one, the best friend you turn to when you are mad or hurt. Then one by one they were gone. He misses his brothers just as much as his Rachel does but there is a hell of a lot of life left to be lived. If he can just get his

woman out of the past and away from the Holding that is holding her back. If he can help her see that they are not ‘her boys’ anymore. He is hoping this pretty young thing they have brought home will find the strength and courage that his woman once did to make this house into a home…especially for the son he loves, even when he wants to take him out back and teach him a lesson…and the granddaughter that stole his old heart…just like that auburn haired beauty did so very, very long ago.

Silence drowns out the noise.
Silence drowns out the noise.

Monika is a bit lost in her own world right now. But that is because the real one is too loud, smells funny, tastes funny, has lights that are too bright and everything feels itchy, scratchy, uncomfortable. She needs to just run, spin, climb and jump. That is the only time she feels connected. These people that care for her, love her, there are just so many ‘no’ it is hard sometimes to remember them all. She loves them anyway, she just cannot figure out how to show them that. And at times…it all is just too much for a little girl…and she just erupts. She does not mean to. She is not being naughty. She is just terribly, horribly lost, alone and afraid…in a world that does not understand her any more than she understands it. But she knows one thing…this new lady that Daddy, Sven and Bjorn brought home…she likes her.

Keeps getting harder…

And not in the good way either, folks.

It keeps getting harder to select a category for Ægir’s Captive. My mouse just spent five minutes hovering over the categories button at Literotica. In the end…I stuck it back in NonConsent/Reluctance just because 1) if I change category I might lose readers and 2) nothing else fit. Mind you Chapter 13 that posts tomorrow and 14 that I just submitted could go in NonErotic…I think, though there are vague references to sexy, erotic things even in those.

Hopefully the wrong category won't kill this story.
Hopefully the wrong category won’t kill this story.

My writer friend suggested that he would consider them BDSM. But I cannot in good conscience put them in that category as they break some of the core tenants, which I hold sacred (even when I break them myself). First of all, the kidnapping, which was the reason I stuck this story in NonConsent/Reluctance to begin with. No self-respecting or even crappy Dom would advocate kidnapping someone to be your submissive, let alone your wife. That is illegal, wrong and absolutely nothing to do with BDSM (role play aside…that is a whole other post). Secondly, the only one who has negotiated at all with her was Björn. No negotiations, no safe word = no play is what I would preach and advocate to anyone in the lifestyle.

So to me I cannot in good conscience put more factious accounts of the BDSM lifestyle out there…with hot hunky heroes that make women say to hell with the rules and drop the panties.

So again…what is a girl to do? A story that does not fit into any neat little box…has to come from me…story of my life.

What is in a name?

In one of the greatest love stories (and tragedies) ever written Juliet says of her Romeo:

RoseWhat’s in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet

I certainly hope so, because the past couple of chapters with Ægir’s Captive some readers have been displeased that the story no longer belongs in the Nonconsent/Reluctance category. If you judge strictly by the ‘nonconsent’ standard then they have a point. But that second one…reluctance…still applies and will for some time to come.

And who would not be ‘reluctant’? Married to three guys…from an uptight, middle class family? The idea of not knowing the true paternity of your children? That jump in human evolution to monogamy came when humans left their caves for that very reason. And there is still the element of the kidnapping, which she has not forgotten. But come on…could you resist Bjorn? Now, Mikael…he brings out her fight.

The thing is…this whole category/genre thing always does me in. I do not and never have fit into anyone’s neat little boxes. My tag line as an author is… “Writer, Madonna and More.” I defy explanation. So too do the stories I write. Usually they could fit into several genres…and none.

Personally, I consider every story that I write…a love story. Yes, even when Kirsty is being Sven’s good girl by cleaning up ‘her mess.’ If you have not tried it…do! I promise you that few things can be as intimate as staring into your lover’s eyes while you ‘clean’…wearing a French maid costume maybe? But try putting that scene in Romance at Lit with all his dirty talking? I would have the readers there screaming that he was humiliating her. But was he? Really?

So what do I do? That is always the question…in my life and my writing. One for which I still do not have an answer…

Sub Brain…

The next chapter of Ægir’s Captive posted this morning. The first comment is from another author friend. For the past few chapters, he has been nicely ‘complaining’ that Kirsty, the heroine, caves, capitulates, surrenders, gives in, insert your own verb too easily to the heroes. Honestly, maybe she does. But that is human nature…and especially the nature of a true submissive.

First of all, I believe that most humans desperately want companionship, love. We are pack animals, like wolves not donkeys. Probably even more than wolves. And a deep set evolutionary and biological need is to breed…and in the case of humans that goes a tad deeper. It is about bonding with another human being. As I said, ‘most’ of us…there are always lone wolves, but they are the minority.

That is the same whether you are male or female. Yes, men and women thinking differently, approach love and mating differently. I spent months exploring those differences and maybe I will share with you some of the things I learned…in another blog. But today is about our need to surrender to another person…

Darn...it even looks like it is kneeling!
Darn…it even looks like it is kneeling!

And that is especially true of those with a submissive nature. They crave trust, surrender, being taken care of in a way that is illogical…and at times, with the wrong person detrimental. Unfortunately, that is just who they are. So today, I am taking you inside my brain again…my sub brain…

For the first time in close to a year, I have re-ignited an old friendship with a Dom (not saying who girls…but bet you can guess). We are emailing and messaging. Now, I walked away from the BDSM lifestyle almost a year ago. No, being honest, I crawled away, like a wolf wounded by predators to lick its wounds. I have turned down friends requests from Doms, I have not been to any events, I rarely even open that social media site that I keep talking about…the one where Kirsty meets her guys. I swore…no more, never again. I am done with it.

The thing is…when submissive is a part of your nature and not just a game you play sometimes, in the bedroom to liven things up…that is NOT possible. Well, actually, you can, for short periods of time. But it is not mentally healthy to try and change a core part of your personality. Like Kirsty has for a life-time…to be someone that you are not. So honestly, I have done a fair job of writing goals, making to-do list, rules and the like. I kid that I have learned to Dom myself. And it has been working…at a price. That price is stress, tension.

But the moment that he responded to that first message…my sub brain took over. Like any addicted, the first taste is all it takes. But oh, does that drug taste sweet! Even my friends are noticing it. Hell, even strangers are. The other day, a friend and I took our daughters to Disney on Ice. On the Tube (subway/train), she told me that this guy, who I thought was just being nice to my daughter because he could see she was special needs, was checking out my butt when I was not looking. That just confirms what I have always thought…the sexiest thing is…happiness.

As Kirsty said at one point…she was fighting herself more than she was the brothers. And when you stop fighting who and what you are. When you feel safe enough…notice I said ‘enough,’ not perfect, not ideal…but enough…to be who you are, well, why would you do anything else?

Of course, my writer friend hit on something else too…don’t make it too easy for them or they will get bored. But there are other things to fight than yourself. And other ways of fighting…a strong woman will always be a strong woman. And the smart Doms appreciate even more when that strength bends its knee to them….willingly. That is the difference between submission and being taken. Of course, as Kirsty knows…damn, it is hot when there is a touch of both.

Guilty as Charged…

Yesterday, one of my readers commented, about how thankful she was that the chapters of Ӕgir’s Captive were flowing so quickly. She went on to comment about how disappointing it was to get addicted to a story then wait months or years…or never have it finished. Then this morning I received a comment on another story that is ‘on hold’ for the time being. And I thought…you are so guilty.

True, that as the full-time, single, home-school Mom of a bright and beautiful daughter with high-functioning autism and epilepsy, I have a better excuse than most. But still…

As a reader, I know just what they are saying. One of my favorite paranormal romance series remains unfinished, namely the one character that I love remains unmated. In that case, back the old days before e-publishing and writers had more choices, she sold the rights not only to a book, but the series…all of the characters…and even the alternate universe she had created. Thankfully, that does not happen so much anymore. But I truly do understand what my reader meant when she said…it is never as satisfying finishing it in your head. As I have done with Triad a hundred times or more.

I will be honest here (always)…being a writer reminds me of being the mother of six. There is just never enough of you to go around. Even now that all of my children except the youngest are grown, there are still moments when they need me and with their younger sister having autism and epilepsy there are just times when she needs me more. Times when I know that I am letting the others down, because she is screaming so loudly that I cannot be there for them right then. So too is it with my stories. Right now, I have Kirsty, Sven, Mikael, Bjorn, Petrine, Olaf and Monika (and a little spoiler I am not telling ya’ll about) screaming in my head…WRITE ME!

Of course, there are moments when the others need me too. When my son in China is not happy with his new job or my older daughter is down again because she broke up with her boyfriend. I know that they need me just as much. So I find away. I get PanKwake everything she could possibly want and then I Skype or call them. I am trying to do that with Night Walker’s Woman…with Rex, Jaycee and Angel. But half of the time, you end up feeling guilty…that you have not done them justice, that they deserve more.

Then there are the easy ones…my Mr. Stability son in the Navy, who only calls me once a month with good news like his new apartment or his engagement. But I remember that he is like that now because of all the times that I was there to listen when his job was not going well, when it seemed that he would never lose enough weight to get into the Navy. So it is with The Arrangement that is in final edits and only needs a cover before I can e-publish it into the big wide world as a ‘grown-up.’

But what of all my other babies…my other children…

One Night Stand

Small Town Secrets

Fall of Man

…and way too many others.

It boggles my mind to think of the polyandry that Kirsty…and Petrine…make work. Loving three men…four? How do they manage it? Giving to each what they need? Maybe I need to ask Petrine how she managed that for forty years? Think we should invite her over for a chat sometime?

Even though I know that I am an exceptional Mom, it just never seems there is enough of me to go around. And even though I am a prolific writer (3,000 words per day average), there never seems to be enough hours in the day or days in the weeks…or years in my life to do them all justice. Does anyone have an extra hour in the day? An eighth day of the week? A thirteenth month in the year just lying around for me? Pretty please?